DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands

so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project

which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the

speed of light.It will also remove fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it

 takes you to say, "Oh ****"

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until they melt.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a

crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can

also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

BUTANE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good balsa and ply wood sheets  into smaller

pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin

 oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into

non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple anything surrounding that thing you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate

the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of kit boxes delivered to your front door.